Ramble containing woe is me crap, Sirens and TW glee and musings on the Doctor's choice of hat.

[jooles34]

 

So then, let’s get this out. Life is still throwing shit at me, and my self confidence and esteem has crashed pretty low, pretty quick. I’m still trying to work through it all, but the inevitable has happened and my head has fucked itself up. Serotonin levels that are screwed at the best of times now appear to be completely laid to waste and I’m pretty sure I’m on the edge of a fairly hefty crash. Not helpful given that my body, in its infinite wisdom, decided a couple of years ago that it was going to start having quite nasty and potentially lethal reactions to serotonin enhancers. The only other drugs left are mood alterers, which I don’t want, or the ones I was put on before which said “may cause drowsiness” but actually meant “horse tranquilisers”. I lost three days, then lost the meds. I finally discovered them about year later at the back of a bookshelf with no recollection of putting them there.

So, I’m back to fighting through it. I will fight, I’ve done it before I will do it again, but the ride isn’t a lot of fun. I really don’t want to go into crisis again and will do all I can to avoid it. I am aware of the little traps I fall into and the way I act when I’m going down and I’m doing my best to avoid doing them. But it’s not easy, and as much as I hate to say it, it is much harder being single it appears. I’ve never been good at doing things for my own benefit, especially when my head is here, and it’s easier to fight when you’re doing it for someone else. I have plans and it’s up to me to make sure I stick to them.

So let’s look at some positives. I have a holiday coming up in August (can’t afford it, don’t give shit, I need it), I am getting on with my Mum better than I ever have, and although I’m not great at being sociable at the moment, I still have fandom and the friends I have made through it.

Writing and reading keeps me distracted, and my silly shows make me happy when I watch them. Throwing myself into an unreal world may not seem like the healthiest option, but distraction is working fine for me right now thank you very much. And talking of silly little shows, I have totally fallen for Sirens. Yes, there are issues with some aspects of the ambulance procedure it represents, but it has some of the little things totally spot on; the use of a “comfort break”, the relationship between the service and Trumpton, the patients, co-workers etc are delightful in-jokes that I am really enjoying. Plus, I really like the characters. I may be a teeny bit in love with Stuart. And yes, as easy as it is to ship Ashley and Stuart, I am actually far happier immersing myself in their quite epic bromance.

And, again despite its faults, I am loving the new series of Torchwood.  I totally get why it’s not for everyone, though some of the fanwank is getting to me. But, I love have Jack back in my life – angsty Jack at that (can we see more of his cruel bastard side please?), I have kick-ass Gwen who is blossoming from and okay character to rock-awesome in this series in my opinion, and Rex. Oh Rex, you mad fucker, wonderful character. You’re so funny and the only person that doesn’t realise it. You are a fab addition to the team. And Oswald, you creep the living fuck out of me. Well played and well written.

I get my Doctor back later this month too, and that can never be a bad thing. I think we should start a book on what hat he will wear in this series…

See? Distraction techniques are wonderful things.


Image from scorpia_strikes

 

 

Comments

[aoifes_isle]

*hugs carefully*

[jooles34.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs back*

[lukadreaming.livejournal.com]

Erk! Arse! Is it worth a chat to your quack about the medication?

*Hugs you super-duper hard*

[jooles34.livejournal.com]

It could be worth it. I'm going to give it a month or so and see how I cope, but then we'll be back to the GP. Again!!

Thank you for the hugs.

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

distraction good. Another thing I'm learning is what my counsellor called a 'safe place' - something for me (it was fandom but as she pointed out, the wank make it less safe for me and I had to find an alternative) - I journal how I feel (with pen and paper - but that is my choice) and she suggested to maybe work on my original (i.e. not fandom related) novel that has been languishing - another grounding stone for me is my faith - and yes, I need all that without actually having depression but to deal with the issues I face in my life on an emotional level

I hope that maybe on of the things may be a tool for you, this was not just about me mouthing off

(I'm gonna miss her when I leave this job - and I enjoy Miracle Day too)

[jooles34.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I know from things I've seen in your journal that you have a lot to deal with and I appreciate your comments really. I wouldn't think it was just you mouthing off. The comment about wank actually adding to it and making fandom less safe is a really good one that I hadn't condsidered. I try to keep away from the worst of it and not get drawn in, but I shall redouble my efforts, because you are right; if my safe place is getting me angry and het up then I'm onto a loser from the start!

My faith has, sadly, been failing me a bit over the last few years, or more to the point I am failing it so I'm not taking as much comfort from it as I used to.

Thank you for reading and commenting; it is appreciated.

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

she put into words what I was thinking after watching it on Thursday alongside Twitter (Jane Espenson the writer was also tweeting) and why I felt so upset about other people's negative reactions

don't just avoid it... find a NEW safe place that does not rely on other people's opinion

Faith takes effort (my son is very good at being 'dizzy' or 'headachy' just when I want to go - funnily he wasn't dizzy once we actually got to church today) - I've been a born again Christian longer than I've been a fan and I bank on it being there long after fandom fizzles out for good - but yeah, it takes an effort to go and focus on someone bigger than me, though that is also incredibly comforting. As you say, I've got stuff to deal with and yet I also see him living up to the promise: 'I will supply your needs' (not his fault I want my WANTS met too *grins*)

[zetaori.livejournal.com]

Fandoms and shows are wonderful distraction and ALWAYS work for me.
You know I'm totally with you with Sirens, and I still watch Torchwood, if only for the awesomeness of Jack (and yeah, Oswald is so perfectly creepy!).
I hope you get better (or at least stay at a point where you feel you can still control what's happening with you, if that makes any sense?)

[zetaori.livejournal.com]

Also, I'm just wondering:
What exactly is this "comfort break" they're always having? I googled it and found it's just toilet break, but the way they use it seems to me like it has a special meaning.

[jooles34.livejournal.com]

A comfort break does mean a toilet break, but when a crew is on duty unless they are on a meal break they are mostly expected to be on a call or out on cover, which is normally sitting by the roadside in a strategic place that means they can get to a wide area as quickly as possible when a call comes in, rather than having all the vehicles in the base. The only way a crew can get a bit of restbite is to ask for a comfort break - you can't stop a crew using a toilet! So sometimes when a crew wants a few minutes to sort something out they will call in to control for a comfort break, bascially buying themselves a bit of time at base. Similarly if you are in control and you know a crew has been hammered but you now have a lot of vehicles available you might call them up and suggest that they might need a comfort break and the crew suddenly realises that, yes, they do. It's a sneaky way of getting round the system and looking after your crews for a few minutes.

[zetaori.livejournal.com]

Oh, THANK you so much for explaining! I was always wondering, but now it makes perfect sense.
It always sounded to me like they'd call in a break to cuddle :)

[jooles34.livejournal.com]

Ha! Love that!

[jooles34.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for this, and your comment makes perfect sense and I really appreciate it.

I'm going to miss Sirens when it's gone.

[bigtitch.livejournal.com]

*hugs* for the shit in your life at the mo!
But yay for fandom being a refuge!

[jooles34.livejournal.com]

Thank you for hugs and thank god for Denial!

[deinonychus-1.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Can't say much productive other than keep fighting, and hang onto fandom and other 'distractions', no matter how 'silly' or 'unhealthy' it might appear to other people. If it works for you, that's all that's important.

[i-bananas.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*

Let me know if there's anything I can do to take pressure off with bits & pieces. More than happy to be someone to bounce things off of via e-mail, text or even smoke signals :)

[azn-jack-fiend.livejournal.com]

Hey, I've also struggled with depression and anxiety. I like to say that the three things that have happened to help me most are Lexapro, my faith (Buddhism) and fanfiction (and now original writing). It's different for everyone but I am wishing you all the best finding what works for you. Plus, I LOVE REX TOO.

[telperion-15.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Don't let the bastards get you down, is I believe how the saying goes... :)

And Jack! I too am loving having Jack back in my life!

[aranellaurelote.livejournal.com]

Hope you start to feel much better soon! that holiday'll do you right!

I LOVE SIRENS! SO MUCH! I think mainly because I say one ep whilst I had internet in Italy and then had to wait til I got back to watch the others, which made me excited to wait for it ;D Some of it's rude and silly yes, but most of the time it's hilarious, and even a bit touching (like the I.C.E episode) I am torn on favourite characters, but mine is probably Maxine.

[jaynedoll.livejournal.com]

Hope you feel better soon, I know it's hard - sometimes I find fandom a welcome distraction sometimes there's stuff that gets to me but y'know everyone needs a hobby *g*

Torchwood is different to S1/S2 but I'm still enjoying it (I may feel differently at the end, I may not).
I think the Dr will come back with a fez. TBH I found the 1st set of eps a bit weak but I'm hoping now they've done the River Song plot twist things will pick up pace and I'm looking forward to seeing how it all works out.

[angelkitty101.livejournal.com]

I'm always available for random chats, daft texts, general witterings and anything else that might help etc. I don't know much about meds (except that the wrong ones appear to be routinely prescribed), but I know that you are capable of fighting, and that you're not alone. If it makes it easier to fight for someone else, then you can always fight for your friends :-) We believe in you, and we all support you!

[blu04.livejournal.com]

Jooles, you have been a rock for me these past couple of weeks and i am truely grateful, more than words can ever say. You are a true, dear friend and i am so glad we met. If you ever need me, whether its to just talk crap (which i'm very good at) cry or even scream and shout at the unfairness of life you know where i am (mostly at yours :p lol)

[emyrldlady.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to say anything sappy here. You already know it.

[emyrldlady.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to say anything sappy here. You already know it.

[textualdeviance.livejournal.com]

Re: Brain drugs. I can't do serotonin drugs myself (woo, paranoia and anxiety attacks) but when I switched over to Wellbutrin (dopamine and norepinephrine), it was like my brain suddenly started farting rainbows. Still have issues, but between that and the ADD meds, I've been in pretty good nick for the last 8 years or so.

[fredbassett]

Depression sucks poisonous green tree frogs.

I've been on Surmontil (Trimipromene)for about 3 years. Not sure about the serotonin content but it seems to work for me. It's a very old-fashioned anti-depressant.

Fandom is great, but yes, I agree with the comments in the thread about steering clear of wank. Regrettably there are twats in even the seemingly safest parts of fandom, but steering clear is probably the only sensible course of action.

I must catch up with TW now we're back as I did enjoy the first ep and must try to catch up before this week if you;re still doing the live watches.

[jcad6169.livejournal.com]

Are you a working medic? If so where? I am a medic in Missouri and I also have the highs and desperate lows that you describe. One thing that I do to stave off the crash or to climb out before I get too low is to accomplish something. No huge deal like Critical Care (that is just more heavy stress :)) no something like crocheting a plushie adipose or baby booties. Running helps me too. And believe it or not one of the things that lifts me up are your funny little stories. All hugs and positive thoughts headed your way.

[shamazipan.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm at the end of the phone should you ever need to chat. I really do wish there was something practical I could do to help. Depression is a right wee fucker, innit? *more hugs*

[chamilet]

*hugs*

[phoebezu.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about your problems, I send you the biggest virtual hug possible! I hope you'll be fine very soon!
And you're right, I had, as everybody, I presume, my bad periods, and tv shows are such a wonderful distraction in those cases! :)

Best wishes, and a lot of hugs, again!