Ramblings gender crisis and identity

[jooles34]

Okay, I never expected the reaction I got to my post yesterday and I think everyone’s honesty is amazing. Anyway, from that a couple of people were interesting in this. It’s simply a write up of my own battles with my gender identity from when I was a child until now. It’s not saying anything profound at all, it’s just me getting some stuff down. I'm also doing this without getting acadmic about the differences between gender and sex.

As anyone that reads my journal knows I have no problems being honest on here, but having read this one back it seems to me to be particularly honest, raw and potentially uncomfortable to read. It’s not meant to be, I’m not trying to upset anyone and I’m not saying anything I don’t mind people knowing, or I wouldn’t post it. But just so you know. And it has a happy ending.

As a kid I’d always been very tomboyish, wore skirts only if I was forced into them; lived in jeans and t-shirts. This continued into high school and teenage years. My first biiiig tween crush was a guy called Brandon Call in the original series of Baywatch. I did all the usual tween crush stuff, had his posters on my wall, kissed his posters, am fairly sure I planned our wedding too. The other thing I did was try to look like him.

I saved pocket money and bought jeans like the pair he wore in my favourite poster. Then did the same to get the t-shirt he wore in the poster. And I took a photo of him to the hair dresser and had my hair cut like him. My parents thought it was harmless idol worship, and although I didn’t really understand what it meant at the time, I knew it was different. I didn’t just want to look like him because I liked him, I wanted to be like him. He wasn’t the only male star I tried to dress like at that time or in the future.

Then at 13 my periods started. This is when I really noticed that I was different to my friends. My friends were all very happy about this wondrous thing; it made them feel grown up and womanly. I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. My diaries from this time make for very painful reading. To me, as to my friends, it signalled that I was becoming a woman, but I so desperately didn’t want that. I remember a lot of crying. Being young you can convince yourself you’re anything, you can pass as either sex. I could pretend that I wasn’t a girl.

But periods, well, they kinda clinch it really. No getting away from it at that point. And each month my body would betray me by giving me another reminder. And I’ll be brutally honest. That feeling remained until I was well into my 20s.

But, I could at least still look any way I wanted. I continued to dress like a boy whenever I could and really got off on it when people would mistake me for one. My weird gender confusion melded wonderfully with my sexuality at this point, because even from that age I wanted both girls and boys to find me attractive for looking like a boy.

I was the one that always played the boys’ parts in school plays or any kind of drama production. And I was allowed to keep doing it because I was the one that knew how to walk, talk and sit like a boy; I could change my physicality to fit with the part in a way that other girls weren’t willing to do.

So, after the initial shock, it was bearable for another couple of years. Then breasts happened. Thank god I was a reasonably late developer, god knows what would have happened to my confused brain if it had all happened too close together. I possibly would have imploded or something.

Anyhoo, breasts were a bit of a pain in the arse. It was just something else that was taking me inextricably towards womanhood. And they were getting very fucking obvious. There was no hope of me passing as a boy anymore.

I can tell you exactly when my breakthrough came. I was watching an episode of the hospital drama Casualty. A teenage couple were brought in and it transpired that the boy was in fact a girl pretending to be a boy. That 60 minutes of TV transformed my life. It was the first time I had seen anyone cross dress for anything other than comedic effect. The character admitted that she wanted the other girl to find her attractive as a boy, not a girl. It was the first validation I’d had for the feelings I’d been living with for years. And if it was in a TV programme then other people must feel it too right? This was a huge thing for me.

But bigger still was discovering THE SECRET. The girl got away with being a boy by binding. This was an entirely new concept; I’d never heard of it before, but it solved everything. The next weekend a lot of crepe bandages were bought.

Binding was not a terribly workable solution for me for long though. At that age when everything is growing and tender it bloody well hurt and it also became quickly apparent that my body was clearly defying my mind and went on to produce quite healthily sized breasts that no amount of crepe was going to cover (I had no clue how to get hold of anything better – damn pre-easily-accessed-home-internet days). So that’s when the huge baggy man shirt phase hit with gusto.

Then, at 17 it suddenly changed. A big end of year ball at my school meant I had to dress up and wear a posh frock. I did and I suddenly got a lot of attention from boys having never had anyone come near me before. It turned out that this evil, curvy, traitorous body of mine was actually attractive to other people. Who knew? And it transpired that my breasts were in fact, apparently, really quite something.

And rightly, wrongly, sadly, happily, whatever, that’s when things started to turn around for me. If other people could like my body, then maybe, just maybe, I could learn to like it too. It was like being liberated and it only got better.

I finally made it to uni where I could be open about my sexuality. Not only that, but rather than just hiding behind the baggy stuff, I could be open about however I wanted to look. Sometimes it was short skirts and low cut tops, other times I was wearing a suit and tie and that was equally fine.

And that’s pretty much how it’s stayed. I tend not to full-on cross dress as much as I did. I don’t go super girly often either but can do when it’s needed. I tend for the last few years to go for more of a mix and match thing. I love waistcoats and ties; stick a skirt on with that and I have the best of both worlds; I can be both sides of who I am in one go. I love the androgyny of mixing the feminine with the masculine. Taking waistcoats as an example again; it is an intrinsically masculine item of clothing, and with a full suit it works simply as such. However, wear something low cut under it, cinch at the waist – thereby highlighting idealistically feminine attributes - and you have something that suits both worlds. I admit though that I am still careful about when and where I do this. Certain groups of people and certain places are more accepting of it than others.

I do, of course, have the odd “I have to stop eating cake” moments, but in general I’m comfortable in my body now, in fact I often quite like it. I’m still not 100% convinced it’s the right one for me, but I wouldn’t change it. And, yes, I’ll admit it, I love my breasts. Sorry, but they’re bloody great.

 

Comments

[angelkitty101.livejournal.com]

When I was 6, Mother recorded Star Wars for us. It was a breakthorough for me. I adored Leia, she was strong and capable and got to fire a gun and was everything I wanted to be.....until I saw Han Solo.

I have never wanted to be someone more. I wanted to be Han, all my make-believe characters were femme versions of him when I was with friends, I wanted to have the spaceship and the guns and the sarky comebacks.

I spent ages teaching myself how to walk like a boy (as well as, oddly, like Mae West), and for ages I did all the 'boy' things. This took a ton of pressure off my brother, I was the one with Dad doing drilling and painting and mowing etc. I was tall for my age, and skinny, and like you puberty came as a complete shock.

Suddenly I had hips, and they were completely alien to me. For years I felt as if someone had come in the night and stolen my hips, because I have no relationship with the ones I have now. I was (and still am to an extent) completely ambivalent about my breasts. And because there is some deity that finds all this very amusing, I end up with an hourglass shape.

It's weird, because when I dress up to go out, I cartoon myself. High high heels, corsetted waist, false eyelashes, red lipstick. Everything about me screams 'WOMAN, FEMALE' and yet I end up doing obviously masculine things (the most typical is leaning over people)

Anyway I'm rambleing, so I'll stop there. I think I've probably ceased making sens now!

[jooles34.livejournal.com]

You made sense hon.

And I agree; that feeling when you're body suddenly appears alien to you and like it doesn't belong to you is quite hard to come to terms with.

And it's funny you say that about corsets; the way we both actually not just accentuate the feminine, but exaggerate it.
Intereting.

[shamazipan.livejournal.com]

I didn't have any gender issues that I was aware of but a lot of what your saying rings true to my childhood. When I was younger I played at the A Team and i always had to be Face because he got to make out with the woman of the week who was always played by a girl I thought was cute then I thought if you wanted to kiss girls you had to be a boy. Not really related to anything but that's what this post reminded me of. Oh, and yes, your breasts are magnificent. Just saying!

[jooles34.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie you could be Face for me anytime ;o)


And thank you...

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

thank you for your honesty

(I've read both posts but as I never faced these issues - not sure whether I was just naive or just lucky - I'm not sure I have anything interesting to say)

[jooles34.livejournal.com]

That's okay, and thank you. It's a compliment in a weird kinda way that you're interested enough to read my ramblings!

[hab318princess.livejournal.com]

I love getting insights into other people and how they feel / think and view points beyond my own (as I said, maybe limited, POV)

or maybe I'm just nosy :D

[creadigol-lili.livejournal.com]

I'm still uncomfortable in my body most of the time... but that mainly is a weight thing not related to my sexuality/gender at all. At least I don't think it is. o_o
I rarely feel attractive unless I'm wearing a corset because then you can't see my massive gut.

I was fine when I was little, I was a little bit of a tomboy when I was very young (4-6, mainly because all my friends were boys at the time), but I was a girly girl at the same time.... liked dolls and dresses at the same time as liking the boy-ish stuff.

I've always been very emotional, so I did get picked on early on, but it wasn't until puberty hit in that I started to notice (and hate) my body. Of course, that's when the bullying started ten-fold as well.
Mainly because I went from being a tiny little thing, to putting on crap tons of weight that I've never been able to lose.

*sigh* Guess my whole body issue is back in my mind again since I was so proud of myself for losing 10 kgs while in England but now since being back in Oz I've put half of it back on.
I just can't seem to lose weight in Australia.
I lose more in 6 months than I have spent a good 10 years trying to lose.

*sighs again* I am living in the wrong country.

[sunflashnurse.livejournal.com]

@credigol_lili, totally can agree with you on that one, we do live in the wrong country! I was just like you in puberty, put on a shitload of weight and can't lose it since puberty, then lost like 25kgs and it all came back on withing a year! and the bullying didn't help either, it just made me eat more!

I really love your honesty here about your sexuality and identity issues in Puberty, so refreshing to read this, as a nurse I find the extremely interesting as people's sexuality is such as big issue in today's culture, so thank you!

[thrace-adams.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for sharing with us bb. I'm glad you finally found your place :) *HUGS*